The most important decision you can make

There is one decision that we make in our lifetime that is possibly one of the biggest things we can ever decide. Yet it’s often done without much thought at all and it’s wild to me. And that decision, is who you choose to spend the rest of your life with. The relationship you have with your partner will dictate most of how your life is going to go.

The right partner will push you to be the best version of yourself. They will allow space for you to grow and change. They will pick up the slack when needed (because it is very rare that a relationship will be 50/50). Most importantly though, they will be your best friend. When you strip away everything else, this person should be your companion to the truest form. You should be able to laugh until tears roll down your cheeks with them, share your most sacred dreams and ideas without worry of judgement. They are your confidant, your safe space. And while it won’t always be easy (because nothing in this life ever is), you’ll know that the tough times won’t last forever.

I’ve heard of so many people really struggling to make it work once they become parents. How having a baby throws out their lives, they can’t seem to agree on how to parent or what roles they now play within the home. And it truly baffles me that couples don’t talk about what it will look like when they start a family. What they expect and what their partner expects. Like, you are making the biggest life change you’ll ever make and you don’t think to talk about it first?

For us, we made very clear expectations for each person. I said I wanted to stay home and raise our child, be a typical housewife, if you will. I would take care of the home and the children and my husband would be the sole provider for us. We agreed that if I was to go back to work that the child raising and housework would be split equally and my husband very happily (and very quickly) agreed to not having that life. Now, before all you feminists come screaming that “hE SHouLd HeLP aRoUnd tHe HoME”, let me be clear - he does. Some days, he comes home to a messy house and he tidies it. But we made it clear what our roles would be within the home and I think that has really helped this transition into parenthood be such a smooth one. Is this lifestyle for everyone? No. Some women hate this traditional set up and guess what - that’s totally fine! You need to decided what works for YOU as a couple. This works for us. I have never gone through the ‘roommate’ phase with my partner that you hear so much about in the first year of having a child. We still find moments in the day to connect with each other, to be just us. But this season we are in is so wonderfully crazy. It’s not our time for late night dinners or child free getaways, those will come back one day and I’m sure it will be bittersweet when it does.

I see so many couples not willing or wanting to fully commit. And a huge thing (that I think personally) is not combining finances. As soon as we bought our first home together we linked up our bank accounts and have shared them ever since. We discuss big purchases with each other before making them but generally we are free to use the money as we need. I know that for some women they need that safety net, maybe you’ve been through a DV relationship or whatever it may be that makes you need the security of your own money. And that’s ok. Have your own account if you must, but put most of your money together. After all, if you are committed to riding this life out together why not go all in?

The person you choose to do life with is the biggest decision you’ll ever make. They can either lift you up or tear you down. How you are as a couple is how your kids will grow up expecting to be loved. So if you wouldn’t want this love for your child in the future, why would you settle for it now? And that doesn’t mean leaving the moment things get hard or uncomfortable. Because, even with a strong relationship there will be moments in your life where you aren’t happy with each other. That’s life sometimes. But I always look at it like seasons. Some may feel like a lifetime, and some may fly by but nothing will last forever. If you have a foundation that’s built on love, respect and communication then you will be able to overcome most obstacles that are thrown your way.

Love as always, J x

The worlds best conspiracy

Here’s the thing, I am not a conspiracy theorist but there is one out that that I believe we’ve all been sold and we ALL bought into. And here it is - being a mum. You don’t get it? Ok, let me explain.

In today’s modern society, we are brought up being told that it’s not enough to JUST be a mum. That you don’t want to “lose yourself in your mum identity”. That you won’t be fulfilled being just a mum. Any of these ring true to you? I’ll be honest, pre kids I was one of these people. I didn’t think I would want to be “just a mum”. That I was going to need something else to make me feel whole. That if all I did was raise my child, I would look back on life and possibly regret it. It’s like ingrained into us that the normal and most fulfilling thing is to have a baby, take maybe 8-12months off work and then pop that baby into childcare and get back out there. But you want to know a secret? You don’t have to do that. In fact, you’ll probably find this instinctive ache at the thought of leaving your child, and that is completely normal.

Whenever I want to know if we, as humans, are kind of on the right path in life I always look back to nature to see how far removed we are from it. So, let me break it down for you. In nature, there is only one purpose and that is to reproduce. When animals become mothers, their whole world revolves around their young. Teaching them everything they know to give them the best chance of survival once they are on their own. Mothers and their young are together, consistently, until the young are ready to go off on their own. It is their life’s purpose to have their babies, care for them, teach them and then, when they are ready, let them go. So why then, if our main purpose in life is to continue on the speices, do we think that being a mother is not going to be the most fulfilling and rewarding thing we can ever do? Why are we taught that we should want to return to work while we still have young babies?

I hear all the time about mum guilt. About how if you are going back to work you never feel like you’re enough. You never feel like you are putting enough into your job yet you never feel like you are being the best mother? It’s like this twisted game to see just how bad we can make women feel. And look, if you really do want to return to work and you find your joy there, then that’s great! And if you have to go back to work because the cost of living crisis is affecting you and your family then that’s an amazing and hard sacrifice that you are doing for your family. But, if you don’t need (or want) to go back to work but feel like maybe you should, ask yourself why?

Since becoming a mum, I can say that there is no job or career out there right now that would tempt me to leave my child. There is NOTHING more valuable then being here, every day, raising my baby. You get, maybe 5 years before they start school, five years - thats it. And I am almost two years in, when I say the time flies, I mean IT FLIES. And of course there are slow days and moments I too have wished away because I was tired and over it. But nothing prepares you for the instinctive need to be with your child. For me, everything else can wait. A career can wait, it’ll still be there when my children are grown and living their own lives. The house may be messy but one day it won’t be, because there are no little feet running in mud or sticky hands touching every surface possible.

So if you are a mum whose thinking that they want to be a stay at home mother but feel like its “not enough” just know that it is. You will never regret being here for all the small, precious moments that you can never get back. Just know that you don’t have to live your life feeling guilty all the time because you are spreading yourself too thin. Know that life is short, even if we get lucky enough to make it all the way to the end, so don’t waste it doing what you think you should.

I have become so passionate about making Stay at Home Mums cool again. Lets stop making women feel not enough because they choose to stay home, raise their babies and look after the home. If that is what you want to do just know that it is enough (in fact it’s more than enough).

There is so much growth you go through when you become a parent. You are forever struggling with an internal fight between what feels so natural verses what the world says you should do. Listen to yourself, trust your instincts - we have them for a reason.

So this is where I am, right now. I am a stay at home mum, my life and my world revolves around my family in this season and that is enough for me.

Love as always, J x

Travel Tips from a One Time Traveler with a Child

We just completed our first family holiday, overseas, with Stone. It went far better than I expected and so, I thought I would share some of the tips and tricks we did to ensure a smooth journey. Firstly, let me preface this by saying - you cannot predict children. They are their own being and will behave however they please, so don’t beat yourself up if your child cries the entire flight (though fingers crossed they don’t).

A few things we learnt as first time flyers with a child is this. If they are under 2, therefore not getting their own seat, they won’t be served a meal. The plane has pouches (mostly just apple puree) but not a lot of other options available so be prepared to take your own food for your baby! You are allowed to take food onto the plane, just be mindful that things will need to be heated by hot water. Some great ideas are pre-making soups and putting them into reusable pouches, sandwiches, protein balls or anything that you’re baby likes that doesn’t need to be heated up. I did the ‘snackle’ box for Stone which I filled with grapes, blueberries, strawberries, seaweed sheets, crackers, yoghurt drops, rice cakes and veg straws. I also took a few store bought pouches on with me, thankfully, and his formula.

We were pretty conscious of his ears popping so always either had a bottle ready to go for take off and landing or dipped his dummy in Gripe Water (or Bonjela) for him to suck on. I think this is a major thing to ensure a happy flight! Also do not be afraid of baby Panadol - it will be your best friend and honestly, use it as much as you need on the flights.

His baby carrier was our secret godsend. Not only does it keep you hands free in the airport but it was our saviour when trying to get him to sleep on the plane. I’ve heard that you don’t have to take them out when going through security but that wasn’t our experience, though it wasn’t that big of a deal to be honest. We used our Chekoh Clip Carrier which also allowed me to wear him on my back as well - great for long distances or if you need your hands totally free. I do wish we had packed our other carrier that lets them face forwards for the actual holiday but you learn from your mistakes!

Make sure you pack extra clothes for baby in your carry on. If you are going a long way, you’ll probably find they need to be changed during your layovers, clothes get messy or they pee through their nappy (yep, that happened ON me) so being able to change them is paramount.

A travel stroller is a must. There are heaps out there and you can check it in for no extra cost, it just has to be in a stroller travel bag. We didn’t want to spend big bucks on something that wouldn’t get a ton of use so we went with the Karion Stroller. It compacts down into a backpack that you can literally take with you as check in and my lord was it handy. We had a six hour layover on our way home and it was so nice to be able to put him in the pram while we wandered the airport. We used it a lot while on holiday, it can be unzipped so they lay flat and honestly Stone slept in his most of the time we were out. It’s small, durable and perfect for what we needed. I saw on the reviews a few comments about the little sun shade not doing anything and, while I found that to be true, we just tied a sarong around it to create shade and that worked for us. You can’t have it all and honestly it didn’t bother me in the slightest.

I packed a few toys for him too. Things like a quiet book, one of those popper things, some small books, plastic finger puppets and one of those UFO toys. They entertained him for a little bit, not much though but it was still worth bringing along. His favourite thing was the pre-downloaded shows on my phone. I did Peter Rabbit, Thomas the Tank Engine and Daniel Tiger and it honestly gave us a good 20-30 minutes of peace while he had a snack and watched his shows. I am totally pro screen time when necessary (or not, let them live their best lives) and this was the biggest win for us. I did buy him little head phones but to be honest, the plane is so loud and almost everyone has headphones on that I didn’t even bother.

We took our baby earmuffs with us too which we put on the first time he went to sleep but again, the plane creates so much noise (kind of like a white noise) that I didn’t use them after that one time. It was more for the announcements waking him but they never seemed to bother him too much.

In total we were in transit for 26 hours going there and 36 hours coming home. It was a huge journey but Stone handled it like an absolute champ. We couldn’t of wished it went any better. You get priority in everything at the airport with a baby so that makes things a little bit easier too. All the flight attendants were amazing and loved on him so much. I think he loved all the attention he got from everyone as well.

It is scary traveling with a child but don’t let that stop you from going somewhere. Prepare as much as you can and then just hope for the best. It’s a crazy adventure but watching your child discover the world is priceless and makes everything worthwhile.

And just like that

And just like that, we are almost at the one year mark for our little man (12 days and counting). How a year has been and gone already is beyond me. It feels like yesterday we were exciting waiting to meet him and yet he feels like he’s always been here. How easily he has slotted into our life, bringing so much joy with every milestone.

Everyone says the days are long but the years are short, and yes the years (at least this first one) has flown at record speed but the days, the sweet days are not long enough! Repetitive, maybe - feed, sleep, nappies repeat but I would argue the days are not long at all. They are slow, filled with pockets of complete joy as Stone discovers something new or giggles at something for the first time. The never-ending rocking as he drifts off to sleep, sometimes fighting it with all he has but usually not winning. The rush to get the house tidied while he’s down in a time frame you have no control over (15 minutes or three hours - who knows!). The frustration when they just want to be held and you just want to cook dinner but then reminding yourself that one day they won’t want to be held anymore. One day they will be off, living their own life and you’ll miss this small body resting on your hip. Or the way his hand searches for my nose for comfort as he drifts off to sleep. These small acts, that can irritate you to know end in the moment, are so precious and we don’t even know that they are.

Time is a thief! And everyday it is stealing moments from me, from us. But I am so lucky and grateful to have just that - time. Time to stop, and just be with him. The dishes will still be there tomorrow, the laundry will never not need to be done and everything in-between that we deem important can be placed on hold, because these mundane, everyday moments can never come back.

One whole year of being completely present. Of discovering the world all over again through him. Of watching the man you love raise the boy who has stolen your heart. A season where you are separated and yet closer than ever. It’s this push and pull of what you think “should” be done and what actually feels so unbelievably natural that you do.

Learning to listen to yourself, your body and your instinct. This is what we were born to do and yet it can feel so unnatural for so many people. Because we are so disconnected with ourselves.

And so, our first year as a family comes to an end. It’s bittersweet, the joy and excitement for the future of Stone mixed with the heart wrenching sadness that already a year has gone. Desperately wanting to pause time, in this moment forever but knowing that there is so much more to come. Once again I strive to be more consistent here and yet I know there is no chance of that! So, until next time, whenever that is x

Let's talk about Sleep

Sleep. It’s one of the biggest topics of conversation when it comes to new and expecting parents. Usually, you’ll hear all about how little sleep you will get, how hard it is waking up every few hours (or even every hour). It’s horror story after horror story with the “enjoy your sleep now” tagged onto the end. And look, I have no doubt that there are babies out there that genuinely struggle with sleep for whatever reason it may be, so I can only speak from my experience with my child. But I wanted to speak about bed-sharing. Because, I’ll be honest, it was never really spoken about in any of my appointments or amongst many of my friends who already had children. I mean, you’d hear of parents rolling on babies in the bed, or of blankets suffocating them while they sleep but you never heard of safe, successful bed-sharing. Which, to me, is INSANE.

I have, and still do, bed-share with my son since birth. For me, it has been the most natural way to sleep, with my child as close as possible to me. And when you look at other countries, particularly Eastern or Third World, this is common practice. Even when you look at nature, Mother and young are together, all the time until the young is old enough to go out on its own. So why, do we as humans, think that babies should be able to ‘self-settle’? Why is it completely normal for grown adults to use sleep aids such as melatonin, CBD, relaxation apps, medication or even TV to fall sleep and yet we expect babies to go to and stay asleep by themselves?

It has never felt right to me, and even after my son was born I felt like I ‘should’ have him in his own crib. As the months have gone on though, I have realised that that way of life would not work for us. I love that he can feed as he feels, usually without even waking me. I love the small hand that reaches out to me in the darkness to make sure he’s not alone. I love his little body, tucked perfectly into mine as we sleep. And I think, knowing that this won’t last forever, makes it even more special. I know that before long, he’ll be in his own bed, wanting less and less from me as he grows.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND? Yes, you may be thinking what about my husband and let me tell you this, he hasn’t been happier than he is now with his own bed. And sure, there’s nights I miss his cuddles but this season is fleeting. Before long, I’ll be back in our bed and it’ll be just us again.

And the sleep? Well I can comfortably say I have never had the sleep deprivation that most parents speak off. Sure, there are nights that Stone is up and about and I have to settle him or let him climb all over me until he gets tired again but generally, we both get a fairly decent amount of sleep.

So, if you are out there fearful of how you’ll handle the lack of sleep just know there are other ways to go. You don’t have to do the crib, you can safely sleep with your baby.

LACTATION STATION

This post is going to be all about breastfeeding, the good, the bad and things we should know - that we probably don’t! But I want to start it by saying this, FED IS BEST. Always and forever, whatever this looks like for you and your baby. Be it breast, bottle or formula, full tummies are all that matter. If you were unable to breastfeed, for whatever reason, please don’t let this post upset you. I think the pressure put on women to breastfeed can make it all the more challenging and I went into my pregnancy always saying I’d do whatever my body would allow and not push myself if it didn’t work.

In saying that, it is wild how little we are taught about breastfeeding. It really is an incredible thing that our bodies do and it’s so detailed and yet we are just sort of left to fend for ourselves. There is so much I have learnt, six months into my feeding journey that I would of loved (and also needed) to know before baby was here.

Like did you know that when your baby is feeding, their saliva is absorbed through your areola and sends information to your brain as to what they need? So if your baby is sick or lacking a certain nutrient, your body will adjust your breastmilk to ensure they are getting exactly what they need. How freaking cool is that?! And did you know that it takes 25% of your body’s energy to produce breastmilk and yet our brains only use 20%? Or that a breastfeeding mother will spend more hours feeding her baby in its first year than a full time job?

So yeah, breastfeeding is pretty awesome. But it can take it’s toll if we don’t look after ourselves as well. A breastfeeding mother needs to be consuming between 2000 - 2500 calories per day, thats up to 1000 extra calories! And as we all know, food is medicine, so you should be aiming to eat as clean and nutrient dense as possible (the rainbow, eat it! Plants, increase them!). Food services such as The Golden Month provide nourishing meals that come ready prepared for those postpartum months. Even Youfoodz is a great way to have ready made meals in the fridge, I highly recommend stocking up each week in those first few months while you are adjusting to your new life. Being able to just open the fridge and heat up a meal that you know is good for you makes it so much easier.

It’s also really important to add in (or increase) your supplementation during your breastfeeding journey. Most breastfeeding woman need increased levels of vitamin D, iron, magnesium, vitamin C and omega 3 and 6. Ask your GP for a blood test after birth to see if you are low in anything. I know that throughout my pregnancy I was normal in all my levels but after birth I was low in Iron which can be super common.

A lot of woman struggle with sore and cracked nipples during this time as well. I have never experienced this personally but made sure to rub Rosehip oil on my belly and boobs every night whilst pregnant. I also use Gaia Nipple Balm every night after my shower which I think definitely helps. I’ve heard people say that tanning topless can help harden the skin around the nipple but I can’t vouch for that.

And lastly, gaining weight post pregnancy is TOTALLY normal. You only ever hear ‘the weight will fall off once you start feeding’ but the truth is usually it doesn’t. The hormonal changes after birth plus the extra calories mixed with the lack of movement can all affect how your body stores excess fat. My only advice is this - this too shall pass. Don’t get stuck in this ‘bounce back’ ideology. Your body has grown a human, birthed it and is now supplying it everything it needs. Give yourself grace, love and acceptance that this moment will pass (far too quickly) and you won’t be looking back on this time thinking about the soft belly or extra jiggle in your thighs.

Women, in all our shapes and sizes, are incredible superheroes and we need to be reminded of that every day. Make sure to find pockets of the day for yourself, ask for help, lean on those around you and make sure to be your own advocate!

THIRTY IS THE NEW TWENTY...RIGHT?

On the eve of my thirtieth birthday, I find myself contemplating what this next chapter will be for me. I always imagined this being such a milestone birthday, one that might have some dread or possibly even sadness attached to it. The dread being the fear of getting older and the sadness being the yearning for a life that once was.

And while getting older can be daunting and realising that your party days are long gone, I actually have an immense amount of peace with where I am in my life right now. I don’t long for nights out, in fact I look forward to my early (usually 8pm) bedtime, snuggling up with my little mini, his fingers reaching out for me as I lay down beside him. I am excited by the early mornings, when the human world is still sleeping but nature is starting to stir. With age comes a freeing realisation that the outside world doesn’t actually matter as much as you thought it did. That you can enjoy a meal with friends without having it sprawled across social media. It weeds out the rubbish in your life, and lets you spend time nurturing the important parts. I have found this to be true, especially when it comes to friendships. When you are young, quantity is usually more important than quality. As you get older, you realise that it takes less friends to make you happy. That the ones who are truly important will be supporting you in all aspects. That, as families grow and life gets busy, it’s ok to not speak all the time. That weeks of silence can go by and it doesn’t devalue your friendship.

You also appreciate family. Parents become grandparents which in turns brings a whole new dynamic to the relationship. If you are really lucky like I am, you’ll have parents and in-laws that live close by. You’ll want to spend time with them, as you watch the bond build between your child and them. Being an immigrant, I never grew up with Grandparents in the same country, so I never really had that relationship. Knowing that my son will always have a second home at both sets of grandparents is so wonderful.

I think the mixture of becoming a mum and getting older has made me want a slower life. I feel drawn to living off the land, to growing my own food which is usually a trial and error system. I want to wake up and spend the morning in the ocean, sandy toes and the smell of sunscreen in the air. I want to feel the salt on my skin and cool water over my face. I want my son to nap by the ocean. I long for afternoons with family that turns into dinner as we sit around a fire.

What I have found, as my thirtieth birthday approaches, is that I am actually really happy and content. Do I have goals for the future? Yes. Am I wanting more from this life than what I have? Yes. Do I want to grow and evolve as a person? Of course. But if my life was frozen in this period, I would want for nothing and be content where I am.

And I think that might be the secret sauce to life. If you can’t be happy when you have nothing, you’ll never be happy when you have everything. And, even when things have been tight, we’ve always managed to find happiness.

So, as I say goodbye to my twenties and close that chapter of my life, I look forward to this next moment. I cannot wait to see what this decade brings and the seasons that come with it.